Thursday, 29 April 2010

Tim Buckley - Song To The Siren

What music do I like? Well I could say a lot... but I love Tim Buckley. His voice makes me cry. I can't explain it. This one song - "Song To The Siren" (1969 Monkees or Works in Progress demo) - just... effects me. See, since, well I can't remember when, it seems it's always been with me, but I guess from around the age of 12 I remember first feeling this unbearable pain. Pain I'd never even thought existed which swallowed me whole.
During my adolescence I drank... a lot. Took drugs, smoked... hurt myself. Something I'm so ashamed of. I wasn't alone. Although we never said anything, we all knew we did it. It was known through no words, and didn't disrupt our friendship at all. I was so ashamed, but I didn't care. It sounds like an oxymoron but it makes sense to me. Disgusted and confused and ashamed of myself, yet I didn't care if the world knew. I would walk round drunk with scars on show and not care because nothing could hurt me as much as this.
I remember vividly before walking to school for an exam I slashed up my arms to the point where you couldn't even see flesh, just endless blood. It scared me. I had always done it to feel something - for the control, the sense of release, the distraction from this pain I felt and could never explain or comprehend. I wasn't proud, but it made me feel sane. It gave me a sense of calm. This time I just felt numb. I felt nothing, just a void. My mind hazed and eyes started to hurt. Maybe that's why I slashed up so bad. I don't even remember myself doing it. I'd always felt something before, but now I didn't even feel control.
It was at this time that I started listening to Tim Buckley. The first time I heard Song to the Siren I just collapsed. My body went loose, my mind was in a daze. My chest filled with such pain I couldn't suppress it. For a few seconds I couldn't breath, and the pit of my belly felt empty. And strangely, I felt overwhelmed. A sense of joy and love rushed through me, from my chest to the tips of my fingers and toes. I cry. Everything I've repressed pours out and I can't stop myself. All I'm left with is this sense of calm.
I decided to stop hurting myself. It was too terrifying. With that, I gave up the heavy drinking and the drug use. I still have my box of pills. I can't throw them away. I still add to them, and they still wait for the day of my suicide. But although I'm not happy, I leave them untouched. I stopped hanging out with certain people and threw myself into college. It was hard because I was so behind from the years of ignoring work. I'm now in my last few weeks of my undergraduate degree. When I was 14 I never thought I'd get this far.
I still have this pain, the pain whose origins I do not know. Why I am cursed with this I do not know. If I'll survive it I do not know. All I know is that when I turn on my CD and listen to Tim Buckley's Song to the Siren it's like the first time I heard it. My chest is overwhelmed with pain, and love which spreads to my fingers and toes. My body goes loose and my mind's in a daze. I feel emptiness in my stomach, I can't breath... and I cry.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Work Work Work

Okay so its been a while since I wrote anything here, and that is awful. I was trying to keep up with this and I guess I just lost track. Things have been hectic, but not as much as they should have been. Basically, I have a lot of work to do, but it hasn't been too hectic so far, because I haven't done the work. Now I'm freaking out.

My work:

1. 3000 word essay about Anti-Semitism/Anti-Judaism in the Gospel of John - Is it intentional? Is it just a non-harmful way of describing a religious group of people? How much is down to interpretation? Should the author have responsibility for how others, some hundreds of years later, interpret his text? Should he be responsible for the way people use his text to push their own prejudice views? Was his message meant to be global, or just to those at the time when early Christians were being prosecuted by the Jews. What do we say of the use of his work being used in Nazi propaganda?
There are a lot of questions here. I am starting to panic. It is in for the 12th April 2010.

2. 3000 word essay about why the 5 Ks are important to Sikh identity. Here I am going to talk about what the 5Ks originally and traditionally meant for Sikhs, largely those living in the Punjab, and then talk about the contempory issues of modernity (fashion, less traditional), and the diaspora of Sikhs worldwide - does living in another country which perhaps dresses differently and perhaps knows little of Sikh/Indian culture, tradition and beliefs make some Sikhs less traditional themselves and try harder to integrate into their new society.
This essay shouldn't be too hard. I kind of know where I am going with this, however, I have not made any notes yet. It is in for 23rd April 2010

3. What I am really cacking myself about is my dissertation. I have been very naughty. I have had all this time and done very little work. I have a lot of reading and notes to make. Then I need to write another 8000 words, which I'm sure will come fine if I do the reading, but can I really do all that reading in such a small amount of time? and with time flying by, will I be able to reach a good standard and write about what they expect me to write about? This is in for May 1st 2010.

4. Exam for Sikhism. Not sure of the date yet - I have a lot of studying and spelling to learn! Will probably be in early May 2010.

5. Exegesis for the module on John - 1500 words. In for 10th May 2010 I think.

So yes. A lot of work, to say the least. And the worse thing is? I can't be bothered. I'm so mentally drained it scares me considering how much work I have to do. I'm absolutely cacking myself. And to make matters worse, I go back to Bangor on Sat 10th April 2010 and I have no money. My loan doesn't go in till the 23rd. What will I do for food?!

This is stressing me out just thinking about it. I should get back to work :(