Tim Buckley - Song To The Siren

What music do I like? Well I could say a lot... but I love Tim Buckley. His voice makes me cry. I can't explain it. This one song - "Song To The Siren" (1969 Monkees or Works in Progress demo) - just... effects me. See, since, well I can't remember when, it seems it's always been with me, but I guess from around the age of 12 I remember first feeling this unbearable pain. Pain I'd never even thought existed which swallowed me whole.
During my adolescence I drank... a lot. Took drugs, smoked... hurt myself. Something I'm so ashamed of. I wasn't alone. Although we never said anything, we all knew we did it. It was known through no words, and didn't disrupt our friendship at all. I was so ashamed, but I didn't care. It sounds like an oxymoron but it makes sense to me. Disgusted and confused and ashamed of myself, yet I didn't care if the world knew. I would walk round drunk with scars on show and not care because nothing could hurt me as much as this.
I remember vividly before walking to school for an exam I slashed up my arms to the point where you couldn't even see flesh, just endless blood. It scared me. I had always done it to feel something - for the control, the sense of release, the distraction from this pain I felt and could never explain or comprehend. I wasn't proud, but it made me feel sane. It gave me a sense of calm. This time I just felt numb. I felt nothing, just a void. My mind hazed and eyes started to hurt. Maybe that's why I slashed up so bad. I don't even remember myself doing it. I'd always felt something before, but now I didn't even feel control.
It was at this time that I started listening to Tim Buckley. The first time I heard Song to the Siren I just collapsed. My body went loose, my mind was in a daze. My chest filled with such pain I couldn't suppress it. For a few seconds I couldn't breath, and the pit of my belly felt empty. And strangely, I felt overwhelmed. A sense of joy and love rushed through me, from my chest to the tips of my fingers and toes. I cry. Everything I've repressed pours out and I can't stop myself. All I'm left with is this sense of calm.
I decided to stop hurting myself. It was too terrifying. With that, I gave up the heavy drinking and the drug use. I still have my box of pills. I can't throw them away. I still add to them, and they still wait for the day of my suicide. But although I'm not happy, I leave them untouched. I stopped hanging out with certain people and threw myself into college. It was hard because I was so behind from the years of ignoring work. I'm now in my last few weeks of my undergraduate degree. When I was 14 I never thought I'd get this far.
I still have this pain, the pain whose origins I do not know. Why I am cursed with this I do not know. If I'll survive it I do not know. All I know is that when I turn on my CD and listen to Tim Buckley's Song to the Siren it's like the first time I heard it. My chest is overwhelmed with pain, and love which spreads to my fingers and toes. My body goes loose and my mind's in a daze. I feel emptiness in my stomach, I can't breath... and I cry.

Work Work Work

Okay so its been a while since I wrote anything here, and that is awful. I was trying to keep up with this and I guess I just lost track. Things have been hectic, but not as much as they should have been. Basically, I have a lot of work to do, but it hasn't been too hectic so far, because I haven't done the work. Now I'm freaking out.

My work:

1. 3000 word essay about Anti-Semitism/Anti-Judaism in the Gospel of John - Is it intentional? Is it just a non-harmful way of describing a religious group of people? How much is down to interpretation? Should the author have responsibility for how others, some hundreds of years later, interpret his text? Should he be responsible for the way people use his text to push their own prejudice views? Was his message meant to be global, or just to those at the time when early Christians were being prosecuted by the Jews. What do we say of the use of his work being used in Nazi propaganda?
There are a lot of questions here. I am starting to panic. It is in for the 12th April 2010.

2. 3000 word essay about why the 5 Ks are important to Sikh identity. Here I am going to talk about what the 5Ks originally and traditionally meant for Sikhs, largely those living in the Punjab, and then talk about the contempory issues of modernity (fashion, less traditional), and the diaspora of Sikhs worldwide - does living in another country which perhaps dresses differently and perhaps knows little of Sikh/Indian culture, tradition and beliefs make some Sikhs less traditional themselves and try harder to integrate into their new society.
This essay shouldn't be too hard. I kind of know where I am going with this, however, I have not made any notes yet. It is in for 23rd April 2010

3. What I am really cacking myself about is my dissertation. I have been very naughty. I have had all this time and done very little work. I have a lot of reading and notes to make. Then I need to write another 8000 words, which I'm sure will come fine if I do the reading, but can I really do all that reading in such a small amount of time? and with time flying by, will I be able to reach a good standard and write about what they expect me to write about? This is in for May 1st 2010.

4. Exam for Sikhism. Not sure of the date yet - I have a lot of studying and spelling to learn! Will probably be in early May 2010.

5. Exegesis for the module on John - 1500 words. In for 10th May 2010 I think.

So yes. A lot of work, to say the least. And the worse thing is? I can't be bothered. I'm so mentally drained it scares me considering how much work I have to do. I'm absolutely cacking myself. And to make matters worse, I go back to Bangor on Sat 10th April 2010 and I have no money. My loan doesn't go in till the 23rd. What will I do for food?!

This is stressing me out just thinking about it. I should get back to work :(

I Suck

Well... I didn't quite manage to read 50 books in 2009. I read:

1.Chobits 4
2.Walt Whitman – Song of Myself
3.David Boring – Daniel Clowes
4.Ghost World – Daniel Clowes
5.Marmalade Boy 4
6.Marmalade Boy 7
7.Marmalade Boy 8
8.The Stars' Tennis Balls – Stephen Fry
9.Join Me – Danny Wallace
10.Love Hina 3
11.Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
12.Shin Chan Manga 2
13.Your And My Secret 1
14.Happy Hustle High 1
15.Happy Hustle High 2
16.Hot Gimmick 1
17.Hot Gimmick 2
18.Yes Man – Danny Wallace
19.Hot Gimmick 3
20.Chobits 5
21.The Food Revolution – John Robbins
22.Chobits 6
23.Hot Gimmick 4
24.Hot Gimmick 5
25.Ice Haven - Daniel Clowes
26.Hot Gimmick 6
27.Shin Chan 3
28.Tokyo Zombie
29.Scoop – Evelyn Waugh
30.To Kill A Mockingbird – Harper Lee
31.Suite Scarlett – Maureen Johnson
32.The China Study – T.C. Campbell
33.Vile Bodies – Evelyn Waugh
34.In Search of Zarathustra: The First Prophet and the Ideas That Changed the World - Paul Kriwaczek
35.The Bermudez Triangle – Maureen Johnson
36.Summer Blonde – Adrian Tomine
37.A Short History of Myth – Karen Armstrong
38.The Perks of Being a Wallflower


15 proper books
19 manga
3 graphic novels


Oh well, hopefully I'll have more time to read this year :)
But not for the moment. I have to push myself to write 2000 words tonight that need to be handed in tomorrow as part of my dissertation work :( wish me luck!

Animal Rights Vs. Human Rights?

Typical. It's sunny up here in North Wales, and I'm still ill. Damn Freshers flu.
Anyways, I digress.

I wanted to talk today about this bizarre assumption that keeps coming my way - that to be interested in animal rights and/or welfare means that a person doesn't believe or support human rights campaigns and causes. I have no idea why some people seem to think this is a fallible suggestion. The way I see it is that both beliefs can be attained at the same time. It isn't an either/or situation. I know plenty of vegans/vegetarians/animal activists who campaign for human rights organizations, some more so than they do for animal rights issues. Generally, they tend to be pretty politically active people anyway, and human rights is just one of their many political campaigns/beliefs. I just don't really understand why some people criticize people who are concerned about animal welfare in this manner. To me it just doesn't make sense.
I myself am a member of Amnesty International, as well as my local Amnesty university group, I'm part of my university Fairtrade society where we promote Fairtrade products and show the significant difference it can make to people's lives. Also, I recently cut off a load of my hair to be donated to a charity which makes wigs for children with cancer. These are just a few of the more active things I've done in the last couple of months for human rights. Previously I have also donated money to causes such as the Trevor Project, and the Salvation Army for their work with the homeless, and every time I have a birthday, or am asked what I want for Christmas etc, I usually ask people to get me a WorldVision alternative gift. I'm not saying I'm a saint, just that myself, like many other supporters of animal rights, are also active in the realm of human rights issues. The welfare of animals aren't considered more important than that of human welfare. But it is considered important. Something so important that we need to campaign for better welfare and treatment, and raise awareness and understanding of how animals are treated behind closed doors, where we often can't see this abuse and neglect. After all, much of this neglect is either directly or indirectly caused by humans, and many of us realize this is wrong. I've always felt it is the right thing to stand up for your beliefs, especially when another life may be in jeopardy if you don't. I feel that way about human and animal rights. On equal ground. I don't think I should shout louder for one over the other, rather that I should put all my efforts into shouting equally as loud as I can to try to ensure that all rights are given fairly to all people and all animals. After all, we're animals. And we have rights.

SophieMadeOfStars

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Feeling like a ROBOT

I discovered something yesterday, and it kind of worries me. I realized that I'm really not good with emotions. Especially other peoples. If someone is upset, I just can't bring myself to be sensitive and do the whole hugging and crying and feeling better afterwords kind of thing. No, that would be just too human. Instead, I just don't know how to react, try not to say too much, and try to make them laugh. Anyway, I've known this for a while. It's not news.
However, yesterday I did realize that maybe this was because I find it hard to react to my own emotions a lot of the time. If I can't deal with my own feelings, how can I respond (appropriately, or at least like a human being) to another person and their bunch of problems. Does this make sense? Is this normal?


Am I normal?

<3

I love it when randomly looking over things, literature, websites, music, cinema, photos, one can find a gem, written by someone other who you have never met, and could quite possibly be long dead, who pulls you into them. Who expresses themselves so eloquently it softens your heart, and speaks so honestly and forcefully of something you can utterly relate to on all counts. It's the recognition of compassion in humanity which sometimes is hard to see, as well as a connection so strong that geographical locations, social status, religion, gender, sexuality, and even era in time, does not hold bearing on this universal and eternal message which so many of us believe deep in our core.

Today I found one which summed up a belief of mine in a way that conveys the passion and compassion which resides with it.

Isaac Bashevis Singer:

"When a human kills an animal for food, he is neglecting his own hunger for justice. Man prays for mercy, but is unwilling to extend it to others. Why should man then expect mercy from God? It's unfair to expect something that you are not willing to give. It is inconsistent. I can never accept inconsistency or injustice. Even if it comes from God. If there would come a voice from God saying, "I'm against vegetarianism!" I would say, "Well, I am for it!" This is how strongly I feel in this regard."

Books... again

32.The China Study – T.C. Campbell
33.Vile Bodies – Evelyn Waugh
34.In Search of Zarathustra: The First Prophet and the Ideas That Changed the World - Paul Kriwaczek
35.The Bermudez Triangle – Maureen Johnson
36.Summer Blonde – Adrian Tomine

Totalling to 13 prose books thus far.

I need to start reading more again. Now that I've finished work for the summer I should hopefully have some time before going back to uni.

In this time, since my last blog, I have been working at a local playscheme for kids with special needs, and I made a bag... I may post this later.
I also have been to the Henry 8th exhibitions at the British Library and Windsor Castle, as well as the Banksy exhibition (Bristol) and the British Museum.


SophieMadeOfStars
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